THE BOOGER FAMILY

By Bob Henry Baber
2002

The author reserves all rights. However, permission is granted to those AppLit readers who wish to make copies of this story for classroom use.



Have you ever gone to bed with a cold,
or caught one overnight, and woke up, sad to say, 
with your nostrils encrusted with boogers?
Come on. Be honest. I'll admit, I have. 

Anyway, one school morning I heard my boy Cody
grumbling big time as he came downstairs. 

One look revealed the source of his discomfort.
Perhaps I shouldn't have, 
but, being an unreformed tease
I heard myself laughingly say, 

"Well, well, I see that the Booger Family
has come to visit
the Nose Hotel!"

To say the least, Cody was neither pleased nor amused.

Now, when you're a father it's your job to clean up messes
such as green barnacles stuck to a nose.
And while doing so it's also your job to tell
an appropriately distracting story. 
So, while working with a warm soapy washcloth and Q-tips, 
I spoke thusly: 

"Let's see. Looks like there's
A Big Crusty Father Booger with a mustache,
named Wilson Pickett Booger, 
A Soft Momma Booger in green sweatpants,
and Three Little Baby Boogers:
the twins: Rufus and Doofus,
and their little sister, Iggy Pop.
People say she's a smart little booger."

"What are they doing in the Nose Hotel," Cody asked,
forgetting for just a second that I was chiseling on his nose. 

"I don't know," I said. "Let me have a closer look."

"Well, I'll be..."

"What is it?" Cody asked. 

By Jingo these Boogers are Banjo Pickers
and they're on their way to an Appalachian Pickin' Contest.
Right now it looks as if they're just hangin' out, though, 
if you see what I mean."

Cody laughed in spite of himself. Then he sneezed!
A Giant tornado of a sneeze!

"Uh oh, I think the Booger Family
just had a Family Blow-out, son!"

By this time Cody's Nose Hotel 
was completely cleaned up,
and he was ready to head down the street and off to school. 

As he went out the door, I yelled after him, 
"Wait, I hear them fiddling a familiar song..."
I tilted my head to the side, like a dog that's just heard a siren.
",,,yes...yes...that's it:
'Dinah won't you blow, Dinah won't you blow,
Dinah won't you blow your no-o-ose.  Someone's in the nostril
with Dinah.  Someone's in the nostril I know o-o-o.  Someone's in 
the nostril with Dinah--
strummin' on a green banjo.'"

Now listeners, 
if you don't think any of this is true
just remember
COMING VERY SOON
TO A NEIGHBORHOOD
AND A NOSE NEAR YOU

IT'S THE BOOGER FAMILY!

--END--


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